I will murder you and your children with no remorse.
The truth is, dolphins are dicks
You've probably come here wondering why we think dolphins are such dicks. It's a valid point, as most (sane) people typically don't dedicate a whole website to a mammal and its negative attributes. But, we think of this as a PSA. Or maybe we're miserable S-O-Bs and want to crush your spirit. Either way, before you book your "swim with the dolphins" tour, read on.
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Dolphins, like bonobos and humans love to fuck. They're so down to fuck that they're actually rampaging rape monsters. Technically, dolphins can't rape because rape is a human legal term, but let's just say, if they were humans they'd be featured on the most fucked-up version of SVU you could imagine.
Groups of two or three male dolphins will isolate a female in their version of an underground shack and have sex with them forcibly for days or weeks, no matter if the female dolphin wants to or not.
If Brett Kavanaugh was an animal, he'd definitely be a dolphin.
2
Dolphins aren't just rampaging rape monsters, but they kill children too!
So, this may be one of those "blessing and a curse" type deals. If a Dolphin decides it wants to fuck a female dolphin, nothing will get in its way. And we mean nothing. Dolphins will go so far as to kill baby dolphins if the mom is like "nah, I have a headache." The BBC reported that between 1996 and 1997, 37 young dolphins washed ashore, dead, and the necropsies showed that severe blunt force trauma was responsible for their deaths. "In particular, one of the researchers saw 'several behavioral events benignly dubbed 'calf tossing' in the near shore waters of Virginia Beach'."
On the one hand, this means less dolphins. On the other hand, that cute, cuddly monster so many adore is really just the evil step-dad of the kind of Rated R movies that induce long-term trauma in their viewers.
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Killing their own, to get a shot at that hot MILF dolphin ass, would be too civilized though. Dolphins also like to kill other children, seemingly for sport. In 2008, the Telegraph reported that dolphins were seen tossing around baby porpoises in the world's most fucked up Lacross game imaginable. Making it more fucked up, some scientists speculate that it's a case of mistaken identity: baby porpoises kind of look like baby dolphins, and that's good enough for these assholes.
Try not to think about this next time you see Flipper tossing around a soccer ball. Now you know why they love it so much. It's just practice for that inevitable day when they make their escape back to the ocean.
4
The most terrifying words you could ever read: 14. Inch. Prehensile. Penises.
There's a reason 4chan has videos of dolphins fucking. It's terrifying. And no, we're not posting a video to prove this one, you fucking weirdo. You've got google.
For us, we don't know which part is more off-putting: 14 inches or the whole Prehensile thing. It's probably the 14 inches. Even the biggest size queen is going to nope the fuck out of that one. (Source - This fucking hilarious guy)
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Dolphins also like to use baby sharks as volleyballs. This deserves it's own section, because fuck anything that fucks with sharks.
They also use smaller, weaker animals as toys too. But fuck them fucking with sharks. Dicks.
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Far be it for us to slut shame. We've dedicated hours and actual human dollars to a website about how awful Dolphins are. We've got our own problems. But it's worth pointing out that Dolphins are floating petri dishes of STDs. They have so many STDs that modern medical science can't even identify all of them.
It turns out Dolphins received the same level of sexual health education as 100% of the American South and "social diseases" run rampant. *Rimshot*
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Dolphins don't need coffee to stay awake for days on end. As a working mother, all I can say is: fuck you, asshole. (Source)
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They also think up new and "creative" ways to hunt. For funsies.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Dolphins will come onto land and hunt you down, like the filth that they think you are.
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Dolphins are the only animals that engage in "nasal sex". They stick their dicks in blowholes.
This fact blew me away too.
Dolphins live their life like they're in an episode of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. They beat the shit out of everything for no reason. They rape humans, dolphins, and god knows who else. And they love the shit out of some blow. And by blow we mean pufferfish. They love taking a bump of pufferfish so much that some intrepid ocean filmographer was even able to get a video of it. Not all heroes wear capes.